CONVERSATION TO THE LATE JOSE ANTONIO RAMOS JIMENEZ
©Ana Sastrias 2013
Hi, yes, I am still here.
Yes, at home surrounded with some flowers.
Yes, these flowers that people brought,
because they felt sad from your illness that granted you this depart.
How come I am now alone?
Where are you now?
I am not longer able to go and visit you.
I lost your new contact details!
How are you going now?
Please, tell me you are here,
because I am able to feel your presence,
but I am not able to find you physically
or visually.
I know now you are in a different dimension,
In a different mathematical plane,
where I cannot get the formula or the matrix to resolve
and get through, to meet you there and just dissolve.
Who says I am a widow?
I do not see that. Is it a joke?
That might be a mistake,
I am still feeling the need of being your carer,
I got the equipment here,
but then, where are you now?
How come I assumed you were death
and did not ask you for your permission to announce your own death?
Even, I organized your funeral,
I called all the neighbours, friends and relatives.
I even needed to notify your death to several
places and accounts, then face the responses.
Yes, they say I am not longer your carer.
Yes, they say that my status has changed,
and so, I am now eligible to receive some other benefits,
but not longer ‘Carer Allowance’ payment.
Yes, they say – this is the last cheque to the late JOSE RAMOS.
Yes, they say that the accounts will be on my name only.
Yes, they say that the health insurance will be now an individual policy.
Yes, they say that the nursing home has issued the last invoice
and possibly we get now a credit,
as they say that you lasted there only ten days.
Yes, they say that HOMECARE Services issued an invoice almost with Zero dollars.
That was cheap, isn’t it?
How come I organized your cremation?
Did you know about that?
I called them, and they said that I needed to pick up your ashes
next week on Wednesday at twelve thirty.
They even respected my wishes to divide your ashes
into three containers.
Why? Well, you know that I am a bit eccentric.
Do you remember the great memories in Japan?
Do you remember that interesting ceremony
we witnessed in a shrine near the hotel?
Well, this is the place I would like to have part of your ashes spread,
as a symbol of the good memories in Japan.
Hey, you knew about this, didn’t you?
Hey, do you remember the days we struggled so much?
Do you remember that we could not afford to go places easily,
and it was an unrealized dream for me to visit people, or
getting people to visit us for more than two hours at home?
Do you remember that I could not afford to shower myself everyday?
So I was getting adjusted to have only two days full shower in a week?
Do you remember yourself being in the sofa for more than ten hours?
Stuck there obediently, coping with this long wait,
and I was not fully appreciating this, because I could not afford to do that.
You were trapped in that sofa and the only escape was the TV.
I tried very hard to make you understand that I was so worried about you,
but my message was not getting through to you.
Then, in complete desperation, facing myself the huge wave
I was yelling at you!
I was pulling you!
I was very tough on you!
I was forcing you!
I was warning you!
I was wasting all my energy
I was wasting my words
I was wasting our time
I was wasting peaceful time
There was no time to lose
My life was consumed
Without the need of
that little spare time
How come didn’t you care about this?
How come didn’t I figure this out?
You became timeless
and I was in your presence
in a complete different dimension.
How come my life was still ruled by the time
and could not conciliate your indifference to time?
Time was the cause of so many glitches and pressures.
Days lost their individual colour.
Do you remember long time ago that you used to have
anxiety attacks about approaching Sunday nights?
The dreadful feeling of knowing that the next day was Monday,
thinking that Sunday night was a preparation for a starting working week,
that fact was making you feel almost sick and very nervous.
Do you remember that finally Friday’s night came?
What a relief!
All party plans, which pub or restaurant to go?
Are we going home and rest instead?
Are we receiving friends at home for dinner and drinks?
Which music should we play?
What are the plans for the weekend?
Are we going to the beach?
Or we go to a gallery or museum?
Or just staying home?
What a joy!
Do you remember all the naps we used to take?
Thanks God we did not have children!
We were fully graced
We were easy all the time
No obligation, no deadline
No separation, both fully naked
We were intimate
No secrets
Silent conversation,
But we knew each other
No words emitted
We understood each other
No secrets
We were intimate
With silent conversation
Now I got all this Silence
That I have to fill it with noise
I have to fill it with people.
Now I got all this Absence
That I have to fill it with tasks
I have to fill it with my Future.
Now I got all this Space
That I have to fill it with your memories
I have to fill it with my imagination.
I hope this time you are helping me in this,
I think so, I believe so.
You know that I am giving away your belongings?
Why? Aren’t you still here?
Well, I hope you help me with this task,
Because in a way, very difficult to explain,
I just need to assign your clothes to others.
The clothes that some years ago you used to wear
The clothes that you bought and had their task
But, then, suddenly these clothes could not be used.
For some estrange reason, your body could not longer
be able to accept these clothes.
A new fashion, less fancy though, needed to be implemented.
Then, pyjamas were the new fashion,
Then, just tops,
Then, just hospital gowns
Very clinical.
What should we do with your clothes, I asked you?
You responded – Keep them!
You used a formal shirt with neck tie just once or twice
in your last living year with me.
Informal shirts and jumpers
were still in use in the Australian Winter Time.
In your last Winter,
welcoming Spring,
We could still afford to adventure
to go to the Cirque du Soleil
with huge risks and sacrifices
without any fling
from your side
A lot of adrenaline from my part
A lot of tolerance from your part
How come, even at the end of the Australian Spring,
You could still were able to go for a trip
with ‘Motorina’, the motorized wheelchair
Do you remember how well did you drive that day?
I was impressed and pleased and relaxed that day
I could still take photos,
thinking in the Thirty One Pindari Drive’s next edition,
in order to include them, but then, time passes
and I could not have the nice story in conclusion.
I could not attain time
I could not attain the events
I could not get you better
I could not just let you die
just like this
I couldn’t
Why I didn’t know this before?
Your time was coming
Your time to fade away
Your time for complications
Your time of full dependency
Your time for confessions
Your time for your last instructions
Your time for giving warnings
Your time to go HOME
But,
I could not understand
in that time which HOME you meant
You insisted
and I could not grant
what you wished
I hope you meant the ‘HOME’ that you are now,
The Eternal
Ethereal
and Universal
I could not longer give you a HOME again at Thirty One Pindari Drive
It seems that, by unforeseen circumstances,
WE could not longer live TOGETHER at the same Pindari Drive.
Something that drove us BOTH into a horrible charade
of living two months hospitalization
and ten days at nursing home,
but not HOME,
but not Thirty One Pindari Drive
Bloody charade of nurses and doctors
Bloody charade of occupational therapists
Bloody charade of physiotherapists
Bloody charade of social workers
They were the deathly clowns
They could not do much about us
The safer resource was to separate us
For their convenience
For my own safety
For your own torture
See whether you understand this
See whether you will cope with this
See whether I will get my life back
See whether I will keep myself safe
See whether at the End we will be happy
Who are they to decide for us in our fate?
But, I could not longer afford not to listen to them
My life could have been at risk – they said
And you would be totally deserted – they said
Were they really seeing the future?
Or, they just made the assumption and played safe?
How could I guarantee your life with me to avoid all this?
How could I just turn the events differently?
Was this part of the plan to enter your ethereal zone?
Now that I witnessed your death,
I am sure you are ready to enter the invisible zone.
The zone in my mind
You are ‘I’
I am ‘You’
The mirroring zone
I know you are in the other side
The tricky question I get asked now is -
Which language do you speak at home?
Then, I could say this
The language of my own thoughts
The language of my actions
The language that suits me best
… No comments
Ana Sastrias
South Penrith, NSW, Australia
9 March 2013
1:15 am
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